The Winding Road Home

What you are about to read is the story of my journey home to the Holy Roman Catholic Church. I know that it isn’t a new story; the Holy Spirit has been gently drawing people back “Mother Church” for hundreds of years! I just wanted to add my voice to the throng of millions in gratitude for the Church and her faithful teaching. What you are NOT about to read is an indictment against any of the churches I have belonged to in my life. They have all worked together to form a love of Christ in me that was strong enough to follow Him to where I am today. I am not opening a debate or even a dialogue with this story. I am simply sharing my story. I hope you enjoy it, but most of all I hope that it somehow draws you closer to the Lord Jesus Christ.

My spiritual journey could be labeled many things. Boring, however, is certainly not one of them! As I was growing up, I was very fortunate to have two sets of Grandparents who loved the Lord Jesus very much--though in very different ways. My mother was a single mom for most of my childhood years, and usually had to work on Sundays to make ends meet so church was not an option very often for her. However, she was very supportive of my decision to attend any church of my choice, or none at all at times.

I suppose my first experience with Christianity was with my Dad’s parents in the Church of Christ (NOTE – This is different from the United Church of Christ.) The UCC is noted for being a progressive “liberal” denomination, while the Church of Christ is definitely a conservative fundamentalist church. Some of their trademarks are their rejection of the use of musical instruments in worship, and their fierce reliance on the New Testament for ALL matters of faith, doctrine, or practice. My Grandparents’ devotion to Christ even to this day is amazing, and I will always have great respect for the attention that they give to their spiritual lives and the beliefs that they hold!

On the other side (waaaaaaaaaaaay over on the other side haha) was my mother’s mother was a member of a small independent Pentecostal church. She began attending there when I was around seven years old I think, and the first time I visited, I must admit, I was scared…to….death! Just picture it! Here I was, a seven year old boy who had only been to services at the Church of Christ – a very quiet solemn hour with no musical instruments or anything really exciting at all- now sitting in a Pentecostal service – a very loud several hours with a full band of piano, organ, drums, bass guitar, electric guitar, acoustic guitar, tambourine, and sometimes even a mandolin or banjo! (By the way, this church was what you might call a “country” church.) That along with the way the people shouted and danced and ran around the church and fell on the floor and spoke in tongues was almost more than I could handle! Soon enough though, I grew accustomed to it. I alternated weekends with Grandparents so that one weekend I was with my Dad’s parents at the Church of Christ, the next I was with my Mother’s Mother at the little Pentecostal church. After a few years, I actually started to prefer the Pentecostal way! I liked how everyone was excited about their walk with God! The whole experience was uplifting (once I understood what was happening anyway lol). At some point, I’m not sure when, I even started playing piano in church! I have very fond memories of worshipping there, and I most definitely had my first deeply spiritual experiences there.

In the spring of 1998, something happened that changed the course of my life forever. It began when new neighbors moved into the vacant house next door. With my Mom’s permission (or urging…I can’t remember which lol) I went over to help them get their boxes moved. In the course of conversation, we started to talk about church, which was fine with me! He told me about his church and invited me to go along, and I agreed to do so. For the remainder of the summer, he took me to the local Apostolic church on Sunday nights, and during the week he would talk to me about baptism both in water and in the Holy Ghost. Finally, on September 6, 1998, I decided to be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ. (NOTE – Apostolic churches are not Trinitarian so baptism is administered exclusively “in the name of Jesus” rather than “in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit”.) From that point forward, I was very proud to be a member of the Apostolic faith. When my Mother remarried in 1999 we moved to North Knoxville, and I quickly found a local church to attend. In addition to being very devoted to attending my church for the three weekly services and any extra that were offered, I transferred to the Apostolic Christian School in Knoxville for my Junior and Senior years of High School which furthered my love for and deep commitment to the church, its doctrines, and its leaders.

Allow me to pause the story for a moment and give those of you who may be unfamiliar with the Apostolic movement a brief overview of its doctrines. The most prominent doctrine is that of the “Oneness of God”. Basically, this doctrine states that there is only one God. (Easy enough, right?) It is contrasted with the Doctrine of the Trinity, by their denial that the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are separate co-equal persons. They believe that Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are simply titles that describe the three main ways that the one person of God has revealed himself to us. So “at the end of the day” you have the following Jehovah God created the universe and all that’s in it including us. Because of our sin, He came to earth in human form to have that human form sacrificed as payment for that sin. After His resurrection from the dead, He ascended back to Heaven. A few days later on the day of Pentecost, He returned in His original “spirit form” so that he could be present in each of us. The very good thing about the “Oneness” doctrine is that rather than downplaying or denying the Divinity of Christ (as most who deny the Trinity do) they celebrate it! In fact the bottom line of the Oneness doctrine is that Jesus is the Almighty Father “robed” in human flesh.

The second very distinct doctrine of Oneness Pentecostals is that of the plan of salvation. Apostolics believe that in order to be saved from sin and make it to Heaven, one must Repent of all sin (fully change one’s ways from sin and worldliness to a Godly life of holiness as much as is possible), be baptized by immersion (being fully covered by the water) in the Name of Jesus Christ (actually having the words that are spoken over the one being baptized include the words “in the name of Jesus/Jesus Christ/the Lord Jesus Christ etc.), and be filled with the Holy Ghost (the initial evidence that one has received the Holy Ghost is that they speak in tongues).

The plan of salvation is seen as how one receives God’s gift of salvation. What must follow that then is maintenance of that gift. This means that a life of holiness is required of every believer. (No argument from me there!) This distinction for Oneness folks is the extent to which they carry out that holiness. In most cases, Apostolic churches teach that women should not cut or trim their hair, and should wear skirts or dresses at all times (at least in public) – no slacks or pants/shorts. Also, make up and jewelry, if they are “allowed” at all are to be used very moderately. Men are expected to keep their hair cut short, and to dress modestly (No shorts. Shirts remain on at all times in public.) Obviously, the no make up thing extends to the guys too! Haha I want to point out that in the vast majority of cases, Apostolics obey these rules out of an incredible love and devotion to the Lord Jesus not because some cultish leader is forcing them to. As a member of the Apostolic church, I believed and obeyed all of these things whole-heartedly. I even went to Bible College to learn to better articulate the tenets of my faith and in hopes of being in full time ministry one day. It was truly the most important part of my life. Even my identity was wrapped in my faith, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I saw myself as “an Apostolic preacher who believed Apostolic doctrine, would one day marry an Apostolic woman, have Apostolic babies, and pastor an Apostolic church!” I only mention all that to let you know that I was not at all unhappy with my faith. When I left it was the result of many months of study and prayer and not for any other reason.

I want to be very clear about something. I DO NOT REGRET ONE MOMENT THAT I SPENT AS AN APOSTOLIC ONENESS PENTECOSTAL!!!! The greatest part of my spiritual growth happened there, and the closest friends that I have ever known are the ones from that movement. I still love them all very very much! I still regard my former pastor as one of the greatest leaders of our time, and one heckuva fantastic preacher!!!! (More information about the Apostolic movement can be found at http://aljc.org/?page_id=18.)

So why did I leave? Excellent question and a great way to get back into the meat of my story! In 2007, I met a co-worker named Marcia. Marcia shared my intense interest in God/Religion, so we had many really great conversations. Eventually, of course, the question of our respective churches came up. I was shocked to find out that she was Catholic!! I really hadn’t known very many Catholics, and I’m not sure what I was expecting a devout Catholic to be like. I just know that she didn’t fit the bill in my mind! (Sorry Marcia! lol) To make a long story only a little bit shorter, she invited me to “midnight” Mass on Christmas Eve, and I decided to go even though it was at 10 which didn’t seem as cool as going to church at midnight. “ But oh well.”

When I got there, I found Marcia and we settled in for Mass. At the end of it, I had to admit that I had really enjoyed it! But what was it that I enjoyed? It was so different from the loud “lively” Apostolic services that I was used to! I couldn’t put my finger on it, and didn’t really spend too much time trying at that point. As is my habit when I visit a new church, I picked up all the literature/tracts/etc that I could and headed home. Later that night, as I read through the bulletin, I noticed something strange. There was a blurb about the new parish in Halls. Now, Halls is the community that I had moved to in 1999 when my Mother remarried, and I knew it to be a VERY predominantly Baptist area. So my thought was, “Why in the world would they put a Catholic Church in Halls? There are no Catholics there to go to church there!” Needless to say, I had to see what a Catholic Church would look like in that setting. Taking advantage of the fact that our church had only a 2 pm service that next Sunday, I attended the 11 am Mass at St Albert the Great Parish. It definitely was not what I expected!

The Mass was held in a conference room at St Mary’s Hospital, so it lacked the “Old School feel” that I expected. This was compounded by the fact that they not only lacked a Pipe organ (which I assumed would be standard in any Catholic church), but they had a keyboard, bass guitar, and an acoustic guitar! OOOH NOO! My misconceptions were being messed with! The cap to it all, was that the guy who preached, Deacon Patrick, was very down to earth and un-lofty—which also messed with my preconceived ideas of what I’d find there. All in all I left with the same feeling I had after the Christmas Eve Mass—like I had been right in the middle of witnessing something beautiful and managed to miss it altogether…. kind of like I was looking right at it, but couldn’t see it. I just could not understand what I found so wonderful about the Mass, but I knew something incredible had just happened right in front of my face.

On my way out to the car, I saw the musicians loading their guitars in a vehicle, so I stopped and complimented their playing. Well that turned into a whole conversation about the Catholic Church (I’m sure that comes as a huge surprise to anyone that knows the four of us!). At the end of the conversation, the keyboardist recommended a book as a good starting point in studying the Catholic Faith. “Rome Sweet Home” by Dr Scott Hahn. And that’s where it began to get intense! Are you keeping up?

I went back to St Albert the Great the following Saturday evening, and had the pleasure of meeting the Deacon that had preached the preceding Sunday. I complimented his preaching, and we started to talk (again…surprise surprise! Haha) That turned into the first of MANY “parking lot pow wows”. Throughout the following year and a half, I talked with Deacon Patrick pretty frequently about where I was coming from and my interest in the Catholic Church…the things I liked…the things I didn’t and everything in between.

Time to pause again for an important point. At no time did anyone ever try to pursue me to convert me. Even when I started going to RCIA in January 2008, I was very up front and let them know that I was probably not going to join…I was just there to learn. (RCIA is the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults. It truly is simply a class about the Catholic Church and her teachings. At the end, if you have decided to join the Church, then you have been properly instructed and are ready to do so! If not, then you have a better idea of what the Church teaches, and have made a few good friends along the way. I can’t even stress enough “no pressure” it is.) And that was met with nothing but welcoming smiles. Its important for me to mention that because I don’t want anyone to get confused and think that there was ever any pressure from the Catholic Church for me to leave the Oneness church. Ever.

Anyway….back to the last part of the last part of the story. I attended RCIA classes until about half through Lent. At that point, I decided that I was no longer interested, and that I had learned all I cared to about the Catholic Church. They had some really good points, but they were and are after all Trinitarian, which was a huge problem for me! So I decided to hang it up and get on with my Apostolic life. There was only one small hiccup. I believed in the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist. Ok so that’s a HUGE hiccup! What was a good little Apostolic preacher boy like me gonna do with this very Catholic doctrine that was now written on my heart just as strong or stronger than anything else I believed? That was the result of reading “Rome Sweet Home”. The truth be told, when I was finished with that book, I believed in the Papacy, the teaching authority of the Church, and had stopped believing in Sola Scriptura. Big Steps in such a small period of time! At any rate, when I decided to suspend my study of the Church, I also decided to push those things to the back of my mind assuming that they would go away. Boy was I wrong…

Fast forward, to September of 2008. I had managed to lose myself in the Apostolic church once more with hardly a thought of the Catholic Church all summer. Then one day I came across the Bread of Life Discourse in John 6, and I again was faced with a dilemma. I could no longer ignore the Truth of the Catholic Church. I had to either beat it or join it! So off I went a-studying to “prove those Catholics dead wrong on all this stuff!” J

In one month’s time, I found myself almost completely convinced of Catholic doctrine (except for the Trinity of course)!! In fact, at one point I found myself debating a good friend of mine on the Immaculate Conception of Mary! Her response was, “You sound more and more Catholic every time I talk to you!” I laugh about it now, but it really stressed me out at the time! I believed (and believe) very strongly in these things, but I loved my church and my family there very much. I knew they would be very disappointed, to say the least, if they knew that I believed these things. Now this next part still stands out in my memory vividly as a major fork in the road of my spiritual journey.

By mid-November 2008, I was in the habit of going to Mass on Saturday evening at St Albert the Great, and my church on Sunday/Wednesday. On the Saturday just before Thanksgiving, I had come to St Albert and was seated in the small chapel waiting for Mass to begin. To be honest, I was stressed out beyond measure about this huge conflict in my heart. I was absolutely convinced of all but the Trinity in the Catholic faith, but I loved my church and the people there to dearly to leave. “Lord,” I prayed, “I don’t know what to do. I just know that I can’t stay stressed out like this for too much longer.” Just then, I felt that very familiar nudge from the Holy Spirit. (You know the kind…it feels like the whole universe stands completely still for a moment, and nothing else exists until you’ve “absorbed”, for lack of a better word, what you need.) In this case, it was a verse of Scripture (I Kings 18:21) that I hadn’t heard or read in probably years. “How long halt ye between two opinions?”

I’m not sure that I heard anything else that night, but those words that echoed and reverberated against the walls of my heart, soul, mind, and ears. Even over the next few days, every waking thought not already taken by some other topic seemed to be saturated with those words. “How long halt ye between two opinions?”

I got the point: I had to make a decision. But how? I was still in the same dilemma. I loved the Catholic Church’s teaching, but I just couldn’t bear the thought of leaving the church family that had taught me, sustained me, supported me, loved me, gave me my identity, and whom I loved with every bit of my heart! There was hope, though. The week of Thanksgiving is always the week of National Youth Convention for the Assemblies of the Lord Jesus Christ, and if ever there was a time and place where God could reach down and give me some direction it was there! Well, NYC came and went and I was still in my great dilemma. Now I’m not saying that God ignored my request, but sometimes He says it best with silence. I knew then that I needed to (a) keep taking the matter before the Lord in prayer. (b) keep talking to others, and (c) make a decision already! Throughout the whole ordeal, I spent many hours talking to Deacon Patrick and Jesus, and had tried a few times, though unsuccessfully, to talk to my Pastor.

A note about that briefly: I don’t want to send out the wrong idea about my former Pastor. As I mentioned before, He is an incredible man of God for whom I have the greatest respect and admiration! However, the feelings I had about the matter were much stronger than his. When I brought the question that I had to him, looking back on it, I phrased them in a way that did not do justice to the weight of their effect on me. I don’t think I communicated that what I was dealing with was a crisis of faith in so many ways. To him, it probably just seemed like random questions from one of his otherwise stable ministers. Honestly, the level of respect I had for him became somewhat of an inhibition when it came to asking questions. The last thing that I ever wanted to do was disappoint him, so I found it impossible to look him in the face and admit that I was considering leaving behind the faith that he had worked so hard to faithfully and lovingly instill in me. Even as I write this, I get a lump in my throat thinking of how it must have felt to him when I left after he had poured so much of his life and ministry into me. All of that, however, did not change the fact that I just didn’t believe it anymore. I desperately wanted to, but I didn’t.

I knew that I needed a way to present these issues in such a way that would let my pastor know how serious this was for me! So I decided to write a letter. Some may see that as the coward’s way out, but I was getting desperate! I had to let him know and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t do it face to face.

So late in December, I wrote the letter explaining my study of the Catholic Church, and that I needed to meet with him so that he could correct me where I had gone wrong. I included a sort of essay of the major points that I couldn’t get past. (I’ll be creating a separate section in the blog to discuss those issues). As part of the letter, I resigned from any positions of leadership in the Church. I told him that I would not be teaching Sunday School, leading worship, preaching, etc until I could be fully aligned again with the doctrines of the church. I agreed to be faithful in attendance, but not to be involved in any leadership positions.

Over the next few weeks, my pastor met with me at 7 am at Cracker Barrel and discussed some of these issues. During that time, I also talked with another great man of God whose ministry in that church affected more deeply than I could ever express in words—the youth pastor. He and his wife were then and are now pillars of faith in my life. And of course, I continued talking with Deacon Patrick and fantastically wonderful folks in my RCIA class. When it became clear to me that a belief in apostolic doctrine just wasn’t going to be a part of my life again, I decided to take the final step. It took me about 30 hours to get it close to the way that I wanted it, but I wrote one last letter. On February 6, 2009, I left my good-bye letter in pastor’s box. That letter was the hardest thing I have ever had to write. I could write a thousand more pages trying to tell you what he and that church meant to me, but I still couldn’t do it justice. So I’ll just say again, I loved them (and still LOVE each and every one of them) with all of my heart. But as much as I love them, I knew I couldn’t let any one human or group of humans take priority over truth.

And so one would think that would be the end of the story…not quite. My good friends at my old church of course inundated me with emails, phone calls, and text messages entreating me not to make this “terrible decision”. Only two of them were what you would call “mean” per se, and even then, I know those people to be ones that can seem angry when really they are just being passionate in general. One of those emails came from a woman whose discernment I have great respect for. She told me that I was being deceived by Satan. Now, several people had said the same thing and just as lovingly, but I tend to trust this lady more than others when it comes to spiritual matters. So when she made such a strong statement, I could not take it lightly. So I decided to be extra sure. The following weekend (Valentine’s Day weekend) I went up into the mountains to fast and pray. Before I went, I set the “rules”. I would seriously consider going back to the Apostolic church and leave that honestly open before the Lord. But whatever my decision was at the end of the weekend was what I was going to do. I can honestly say that I sincerely sought the Lord and took a hard honest look at my intentions, my beliefs, and myself and took every bit of it to prayer and asked the Lord to guide me in the right direction.

Sunday morning came, and when I left my “hiding” place my heart and mind were fixed (Ps 57:7) upon coming home to the Catholic Church!

Aaaaaand so on the Easter Vigil (April 11, 2009) Father Chris Michelson baptized and confirmed me into Holy Roman Catholic Church. Then a few moments later came the moment I had been waiting on for a year! Along with the two other candidates, I received the Body and Blood of the Lord Jesus in the Holy Eucharist for the very first time! Talk about life changing! I’d LOVE to launch into a few more pages about my love for the Eucharist, but I’ll save that for the “Theology” section. J

And that my friends is the end of the first part of the beginning. You have here, in 4,421 words the first part of my story. I say the first part because I fully expect for it to continue to grow…sort of. With God’s mercy and grace, I intend to die Catholic—though I do hope that day is FAR into the future haha. The next few chapters will hopefully be filled with many incredibly wonderful stories of God’s greatness!